It's been a pretty trying week.
I've found people who like me, but they're seventh day adventists and I am of a different belief system that would harm all relationships in the end.
Yesterday was interesting.
So sick in the morning, then so introspective, then so stupid, then opportunistic.
I'm at the final play right now.
It is the physical manifestation of my failure.
I think I need to retreat into myself and pray more.
I felt so real with Julian at GODencounters.
The 7th day adventists are doing something right.
I love the ideas presented, about a common bond, a common imperfection.
The idea that only God is perfect, and that you're not to blame for your faults.
What a hokey sounding idea in text coming from me.
But i really guess that I'm drawn to the idea of anything I consider introspective.
I spend so much time trying to talk to people, to overcompensate, to impress, that if i spent more time with myself, trying to think, not necessarily about God, but about things larger than myself, I believe the clarity I could find would help me filter.
My filter doesn't exist.
But just now Ms. Oveson came out and we had a short pleasant conversation, not about me, but about Julian and faith and reflecting.
It was perfectly pleasant.
No pushing involved.
Which is what I normally get.
I push myself on people.
It makes sense that they push back.
The pastor, Matthew who spoke yesterday had such energy, such passion.
I took notes on my reading on Nuclear Proliferation.
There is no part of me that regrets that.
How many of you are in spiritual slavery?
Matthew asked.
We're enslaved to addiction,
to these patterns of our every day.
I was ashamed that I went to the symphony concert last night.
My need to push and push betrayed me once more when I should have left Henderson well alone.
The Mahler was remarkable.
High or no.
I really feel so connected.
Garage Voice.
Three attractive men with attractive musical instruments with attractive capabilities to believe in something larger then ourselves.
Some lyrics were just as powerful if not more so than Matthew's sermon.
Perfect love casts out fear.
Who do you say I am?
It's not your fault, but it's your choice.
I felt so there. so present.
That was the best part.
I just accidentally made the whole auditorium smell like cigarettes.
How the hell could I not have noticed that vent.
That's a me thing to do.
Julian really is a truly good person.
I am grateful and sinfully envious of his pure heart.
May he be able to reach and bless many people in his lifetime with his kindness and love.
I don't even know how to talk to the people most important to me.
I feel physically ill right now.
I can singlehandedly make or break myself.
That's it.
The end.
I need to stop this nonsense.
With faith and nothing else, I can manage.
I have to.
Faith in God, and faked faith in myself.
Just internalize it all, and talk to God.
I am now one of those crazy people I used to make fun of.
Who put everything in God's hands.
Matthew said:
God will never give me more than I can bear.
I am working my way up to believing it.
No more than i can bear.
No more than i can bear.
No more than i can bear.
I can do no more from last semester.
Hopefully I will not fail more than Spanish.
I need to learn to meditate and learn to be.
Psalm 46:10
Be still and know that I am God.
Be still and know that I am God.
Be still and know that I am.
Be still.
Be.
I need to be.
No more smoking.
No more failing.
No more.
Just be.
3 comments:
i'm kind of high right now so please excuse me if my thoughts are sloppy. at night i think like yarn unraveling. or like spiderwebs.
i've been avoiding the play entirely. it's awkward to hang around there and watch, like you said, my failure acted out on a stage. everyone seems so disciplined and perfect like super gymnasts of life and when i look at them and then at myself i feel so tumbledown dirty and dumb. you know what i mean? like when you're with two people who have an inside joke you weren't there to get.
when i was little i went to lots of churches. my mom never decided on one, so we went to all of them. i guess i believe in god. it's something i don't like to talk about because it embarrasses me. my feelings on it are very muddy. i believe in something but i don't know what, and for hating structure so much sometimes i pray for a religion. does that make sense? you have a rock when you have a religion, even if the rock is often out at stormy sea. i guess i'm kind of the opposite of you in that i do retreat into myself a lot - so much that i second guess myself all the time.
i'm shyer, maybe. and i wish
sometimes that i wasn't because being around most people can be exhausting for me. i feel like you said - like i have to impress or overcompensate or become a kind of caricature of myself. there are some people who i can be myself with utterly and i totally am so grateful to know those people. i already think you are one of those people. you are so open and it's wonderful to know someone like that. but i know it gets you hurt too. it's easier to get hurt if you're open. i'm inclined to joke about everything, so most of the time - even when i'm dead serious - i joke around because i'm afraid what i say will get me hurt.
we're kind of like a seesaw of angst. you push, i pull. haha. :)
julian is such a good person that i often don't know what to say around him because he is so genuinely and unaffectedly GOOD. i have never met anybody so good in my life.
you're a good person too, sophi, even if you can't see it right now. i know i'm not one to talk about goodness but that's what i believe. maybe it's naive but if my belief in god is shaky my belief in people isn't. and maybe it's mistaken, believing in people, who are flawed, instead of god, who is perfect, but i really don't know much about either.
just be.
just be.
i need to learn that too.
maybe we will both change in small, good ways over this semester. :)
i believe that i will change in small good ways.
with you by my side.
and i'll be there.
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