It's been a pretty trying week.
I've found people who like me, but they're seventh day adventists and I am of a different belief system that would harm all relationships in the end.
Yesterday was interesting.
So sick in the morning, then so introspective, then so stupid, then opportunistic.
I'm at the final play right now.
It is the physical manifestation of my failure.
I think I need to retreat into myself and pray more.
I felt so real with Julian at GODencounters.
The 7th day adventists are doing something right.
I love the ideas presented, about a common bond, a common imperfection.
The idea that only God is perfect, and that you're not to blame for your faults.
What a hokey sounding idea in text coming from me.
But i really guess that I'm drawn to the idea of anything I consider introspective.
I spend so much time trying to talk to people, to overcompensate, to impress, that if i spent more time with myself, trying to think, not necessarily about God, but about things larger than myself, I believe the clarity I could find would help me filter.
My filter doesn't exist.
But just now Ms. Oveson came out and we had a short pleasant conversation, not about me, but about Julian and faith and reflecting.
It was perfectly pleasant.
No pushing involved.
Which is what I normally get.
I push myself on people.
It makes sense that they push back.
The pastor, Matthew who spoke yesterday had such energy, such passion.
I took notes on my reading on Nuclear Proliferation.
There is no part of me that regrets that.
How many of you are in spiritual slavery?
Matthew asked.
We're enslaved to addiction,
to these patterns of our every day.
I was ashamed that I went to the symphony concert last night.
My need to push and push betrayed me once more when I should have left Henderson well alone.
The Mahler was remarkable.
High or no.
I really feel so connected.
Garage Voice.
Three attractive men with attractive musical instruments with attractive capabilities to believe in something larger then ourselves.
Some lyrics were just as powerful if not more so than Matthew's sermon.
Perfect love casts out fear.
Who do you say I am?
It's not your fault, but it's your choice.
I felt so there. so present.
That was the best part.
I just accidentally made the whole auditorium smell like cigarettes.
How the hell could I not have noticed that vent.
That's a me thing to do.
Julian really is a truly good person.
I am grateful and sinfully envious of his pure heart.
May he be able to reach and bless many people in his lifetime with his kindness and love.
I don't even know how to talk to the people most important to me.
I feel physically ill right now.
I can singlehandedly make or break myself.
That's it.
The end.
I need to stop this nonsense.
With faith and nothing else, I can manage.
I have to.
Faith in God, and faked faith in myself.
Just internalize it all, and talk to God.
I am now one of those crazy people I used to make fun of.
Who put everything in God's hands.
Matthew said:
God will never give me more than I can bear.
I am working my way up to believing it.
No more than i can bear.
No more than i can bear.
No more than i can bear.
I can do no more from last semester.
Hopefully I will not fail more than Spanish.
I need to learn to meditate and learn to be.
Psalm 46:10
Be still and know that I am God.
Be still and know that I am God.
Be still and know that I am.
Be still.
Be.
I need to be.
No more smoking.
No more failing.
No more.
Just be.
